A BWHI Reflection on Holidays, Boundaries, and Caring for Yourself
For many of us, Thanksgiving carries its own kind of magic. The smell of good food. The familiar chaos. The laughter that bubbles up from rooms where aunties gather and cousins reconnect. But right alongside the joy sits something else: the tension, the expectations, the comments that arrive dressed as concern but land like judgment. The holidays can be equal parts celebration and an emotional marathon.
And after a year when so many people have lost jobs, felt overlooked, or struggled to feel respected in the world, the family gathering should be a place to refuel. This is the moment where we should be able to draw strength from one another, not walk away feeling exhausted or diminished.
Start With Yourself
Before we talk about what to say to others, let’s talk about what you need. You don’t have to perform gratitude you don’t feel. You don’t have to shrink yourself to make others comfortable. And you absolutely don’t have to explain, defend, or justify your life choices over sweet potato pie.
Think about your boundaries before you walk through that door. What topics are off limits? What will you redirect? What will you simply choose not to engage with? Having a plan isn’t pessimistic. It’s self-care.
And here’s something powerful: you can be the one who shifts the energy by modeling the kind of conversation you want to have. Try opening up space by sharing your own journey first. “I’ve been thinking a lot about my health this year and making some changes” creates room for others to share if they want to, without putting anyone on the spot.
For Family Members: Questions to Ask (and Avoid)
Some questions feel like love. Others feel like audits. Here’s the difference:
Instead of asking: “So when are you going to settle down?” “Why are you still single?” “Don’t you want kids?”
Try: “How have you been taking care of yourself lately?” “What’s bringing you joy right now?” “What are you excited about?”
Instead of: “Why did you and [partner’s name] break up?” “Are you dating anyone yet?” “You’re not getting any younger, you know.”
Say: “I’m glad you’re here with us.” “How are you doing, really?” Or simply, “It’s good to see you.”
The goal isn’t to avoid all personal topics. It’s to lead with care instead of curiosity. Let people share what they want to share, when they’re ready.
Honoring LGBTQ+ Family Members
If someone in your family is queer or trans, the holidays might already feel heavy for them. Here’s how to make sure they know they’re welcome:
Use the right names and pronouns. If you mess up, correct yourself quickly and move on.
Acknowledge their relationships with the same respect you give everyone else. Introduce partners by name. Make space for them in family photos. Treat their love as real, valid, and worth celebrating.
Don’t ask invasive questions. Questions about bodies, identity, or personal medical decisions are not appropriate dinner conversation.
Speak up when others don’t. If someone misgenders your family member or makes a disrespectful comment, say something. “Actually, they use they/them pronouns” or “That’s not how we talk about family” goes a long way.
For the Recently Single
Being newly single during the holidays can feel like walking into a room where everyone’s watching. Don’t treat someone like they’re broken. Don’t try to set them up with your coworker’s cousin.
Skip: “Everything happens for a reason” or “You’re better off” or “At least you found out now.”
Try: “I’m here if you want to talk. And also if you just want to eat and laugh.” Or honestly, just treat them normally. Sometimes the greatest gift is not making someone’s relationship status the center of attention.
Creating Space for Health Conversations (the Right Way)
The holidays can actually be a beautiful time to start conversations about wellness, but only if we do it with care. Black women carry so much. We’re managing chronic conditions, navigating healthcare systems that don’t always see us, trying to prioritize ourselves in a world that tells us to keep giving until we’re empty.
If you want to open up a conversation about health, start with your own experience.
“I’ve been learning about bone health and how important strength training is as we get older. It’s been interesting.”
“I just realized I have been ordering new glasses online and not getting my eyes checked, I just made an appointment”
“I’ve been trying to move my body more, not to look different, just to feel stronger.”
This approach does two things: it shares information without preaching, and it invites people to join the conversation without forcing it. Someone might say, “Oh, I’ve been thinking about that too” or “Tell me more about that.” Or they might not. Both are fine.
What not to do: Don’t comment on anyone’s body, their plate, or their health choices. Don’t use the gathering as a moment to express concern about someone’s weight, their eating, or their appearance. Don’t say things like “You’ve really put on weight” or “You’re looking thin, are you eating?” or “Should you be eating that?”
Even if it comes from love, it doesn’t land that way. It lands as judgment. It lands as surveillance. And for Black women especially, who already deal with the world policing our bodies, we need our family tables to be places of refuge, not more scrutiny.
When Boundaries Get Tested
Even with the best intentions, someone might push. They might ask the question you said you wouldn’t answer. They might make the comment that crosses the line.
Here are some responses that hold your boundary without burning the house down:
“I appreciate your concern, but I’m not discussing that today.” “That’s personal, and I’m keeping it that way.” “I hear you, and I’ve got it handled.” “Let’s talk about something else.”
You can say these with warmth. You can say them with a smile. But you can also say them firmly. You don’t have to make yourself smaller to keep the peace. Real peace includes you being respected.
The Bigger Picture
At BWHI, we believe that respect isn’t just about what we say. It’s about how we see each other. It’s about recognizing that every person at the table is doing their best to navigate a world that isn’t always kind to us. We’ve all been through something. We’re all carrying something.
When we communicate with that in mind, we create the kind of gathering where people can actually rest. Where everyone’s humanity gets honored, not just tolerated.
Your Turn
What boundaries are you setting this holiday season? What conversations are you ready to have differently? Share with us on social. We’re listening. And we’re here with you.